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A ripple effect of being married to an alcoholic enjoying sobriety
I can see in retrospect, and with so much more knowledge about Mazz in particular and alcoholism in general, that I was making my own sets of excuses. I was desperate not to believe what this person was saying about Mazz. In re-reading these exchanges, which I haven't looked at it in nearly 10 years, my stomach is tight, my anxiety is ratcheting up and I am immediately back in the swirl of knowing something is desperately wrong but not being able to articulate it. I don't know this because I haven't spent enough time with spouses of addicts or those in recovery to prove this theory out, but I…
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Now I’m married to an American?
I hurt his feelings terribly one day when I said, "Become a citizen, but you'll never BE American anyway." What I meant was that he will never have our Manifest Destiny propaganda, I mean spirit; he'll never tromp through the world with our sense of clueless, boisterous entitlement. He'll always have a sense of empathy for the underdog because his dad had to sleep on a park bench when he first arrived in England because no one would rent a hotel room to an Irishman. He'll always be comfortable with multiculturalism because, for all their ongoing struggles with race, England does seem to better embrace it than America does. He'll…
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Stepping out of the shadows: a (re)birthday reflection
Yes, I loved celebrating Dr Marry's 48th birthday with this joyful post and a fun party. But I love today a million times more because we no longer live in secrets. We feel no shame. We have overcome something that, incredibly, isn't even really the tiniest bit unique.
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February 1st was our second chance at life and love
In many ways, I did become a widow that night. I did lose the husband I had had from May 31, 2008 to February 1, 2017. That man began a six-week journey of dying and being reborn simultaneously, Phoenix-like. And, actually, I did, too.
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Winning the game
But it's hard to play defense against a player you've never encountered. Turns out that the x I was trying so desperately to solve in the equation was something utterly out of my control: another person and his secrets. I grew up in a household where one person managed and controlled all the money, and that one person was not even the one making the money. Some stuff becomes hardwired in your brain, even if you know it's not absolutely correct. This was one of those things.
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Finding a financial shoreline
I simply don't care about bean counting. In fact, Quinn and I took Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University program at our church when he was in high school. Dave's a bean counter; I knew pretty quickly it wasn't going to resonate with me despite some good ideas. That and he's one of those conservative religious guys who says things like, "Guys, you know your wife's gonna shop, right?" [barf!]
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Disrupting the money conversation
Pre-2017, we didn't have money conversations. We had money arguments. From his side, I was nagging, questioning, accusing; from mine, he was obfuscating, lying, paying no attention. We never, and I do mean never, had a "good" conversation around money.
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Mirroring our reality
We didn't just talk about addiction, of course, because these men, and the other woman and I are more than the product of this disease, which steals from every person with whom it comes in contact. But it was so easy to ask questions, to recall a similar experience, to look at this couple, who in many ways are a mirror of us, and see where we had been, where we are and what damage still lingers. Because believe me, no matter how much better it is, no matter how fabulous it is, in fact, there is lingering damage. Scars heal over time, stop being red and raw, but never…
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Daily Dose of Dr Marry & DD week 3 recap
Thanks for joining us on this journey--remember to share these with anyone you think might find value. We believe they aren't just useful to addicts and spouses/partners of addicts, but to people going through life. We all have to live with vulnerability, manage complex emotions, reflect on our own role and take responsibility for it and everything else.
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Daily Dose of Dr Marry and DD week 2 recap
Welcome to week 2 of Daily Dose of Dr Marry and DD. If you're struggling with addiction or are partnered to an addict, you'll find useful nuggets in one or many of this week's episodes. If you're just a "run of the mill" person with no addiction in your life, first, count your lucky stars, and second, you'll find ideas to consider in your own life as well.
