I think I got cocky about my "new" rhythm, assuming (incorrectly as it turns out) that in the nine days since my first round of this unease, I had shaken it and formed a completely new set of habits that would just carry me going forward. I was utterly certain that Dr Marry could come visit (wouldn't change that, regardless this dumb day's outcome, likely in part from that disruption) so far into my time away that it wouldn't throw my routine into chaos. Turns out my confidence was misplaced.
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Disrupting the money conversation
Pre-2017, we didn't have money conversations. We had money arguments. From his side, I was nagging, questioning, accusing; from mine, he was obfuscating, lying, paying no attention. We never, and I do mean never, had a "good" conversation around money.
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The ever tipping scales of balance
We talked for awhile, this man, whose name I heard as Matt, and I. He was relatively drunk but so, so pleasant...and that accent! My biggest concern was, interestingly, not the drinking. I could excuse that because his family were over from England, and it was their last night, and you know how the Irish can drink (somehow that was comforting excuse. Hindsight!). No, my biggest concern was his swearing. I'd never heard those few words used so effortlessly in many parts of speech in my life.
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The day before my world turned upside down
So I try to keep September 10, 2001, always present in my mind, even though I can't tell you a single thing that actually happened on that day. I keep it present because that day is a perfect example of the "before" time to whatever instance abruptly stops you in your tracks and hijacks your world. Before the diagnosis. Before the accident. Before the breakup. Before the ______________.
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Phyllis sits at the head of the table
My bedroom is at the end of a hallway that runs the long length of house. Every morning, making my way down that hallway, I have fallen into the same detailed narrative: There's a man, quiet and so still he almost seems asleep, sitting at the head of the table where my creative work things are splayed out: my grandparents' courtship letters, my books, last night's lecture notes from the course I am teaching, rocks, leaves, sticks and other bits and bobs picked up from my daily country road walks.
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Directionally challenged
Often, we think we've anticipated the obstacles that are ahead of a risky or daring decision. But an experience in life like this sign can throw us for a loop. We expect curves from time to time, but we don't expect a curve shortly followed by a complete turn. That's when the phrase "came out of left field" feels appropriate.
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An interview with Dayna Del Val, the world’s first Personal Systems Disruptor
Seriously, living is not for the faint of heart. And intentional living can be downright terrifying! I’m not exceptional, despite the fact that I am absolutely extraordinary and ordinary all the time and often simultaneously. My life has had ups and downs, highs and lows. Terrible and glorious things have happened to me, and I have actively chosen terrible and glorious things, too.
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How do you get from here to there?
But I had a lightening bolt moment yesterday on my walk. I realized, or it hit me on the head walking past the soybeans on my left and the field filled with big puddles of water on my right, that I want to actually be a "personal systems disrupter." I want to inspire and motivate people to disrupt their personal systems to find what's beyond their current reality.
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Surviving the slump
Today, I have shaken off the miasma of yesterday's slump. I'm shedding a skin composed of demands from external factors, some which are simply the reality of life and a demanding job but some which are self-imposed and easily dropped. That shedding is a process, like peeling an orange. The skin rarely comes off in one long peel, and even when it does, there's pith and seeds to pull away from the sweet fruit before it's ready to be consumed.
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Hitting the first slump
But this morning, I sat down to start another visualization meditation, excited for whatever was going to flood my brain the way yesterday's had. I settled my body and breathed in and out...waiting. And for 5 minutes and 37 seconds nothing happened. I had glimpses of images from yesterday; I got distracted by birds chirping and trucks rattling by. I finally gave up because it felt like I was forcing inspiration, and I know that's not possible.
